January 3, 2013

First Birthday, it's not always easy

 So today is Tagg's Birthday.  His first one.  We've got balloons and cupcakes and a hot chocolate bar planned for Saturday but today is just about being thankful for him.  Thankful that he is here with us and healthy and thriving.  He is one of the happiest and most laid back babies I have ever met. 

Before I met Tagg I wasn't so sure that I wanted another baby.  And certainly not so soon after having a baby.  I knew in my heart that I was not meant to have a son.  I'm a girl mom, clearly.  I wanted him to be a girl desperately.  I spent my whole pregnancy praying.  Praying that it would go away.  Praying that he wasn't a boy.  Praying that I could handle it when I just knew that I wouldn't be able to do it.  I knew things would never be the same.  You can't be the same mom with multiple children as you can with just one.  I was angry at God for choosing this for me.  Those were awful prayers that were not rooted in love.  They were not rooted in goodness.  I was selfish and I was scared.  

And Guilt.  I felt guilty.  Guilty that I was pregnant again and didn't want to be when so many friends were struggling with infertility and one of my best friends had lost her newborn son just a few months before.  Guilty.

Shame.  Shame that I felt that way.  Shame that I'm sharing this and might already be regretting it.  But I just felt like maybe someone else might relate and know that they are not the only one.  I am a very happily married adult and not a single teenage girl and I was still nervous and slightly sad about having a baby.

And despite it all, God gifted me with love.  He gave me the most perfect little boy he'd ever created.  He's beautiful and calm and loves to snuggle.  He's got the most gregarious and engaging personality and his baby giggles come straight from heaven.  He's everything you could want in a baby.  His love is unending.

I have spent every single day of the past year regretting my original desires for my family.  I say special prayer each night with my children for allowing me to be their mother.  And I mean it.  And the thing is, I'm not the same Mom.  I'm a better one.  And the struggles of having two babies to care for has changed me and strengthened me for the better.  I could never have fathomed just how complete our family would feel with Tagg a part of it.  And my love for him might not have come easily like it did the first time when I cried tears of praise minutes after peeing on a stick.  But it's a solid and deep rooted love that grows more and more each day.  In fact, I couldn't love him more if I tried.

He has brought nothing but unending love and happiness to our family.
 *along with a lot of not so awesome sleepless nights, but that's a newborn for you*

And the last few days have brought some pretty awesome firsts with his development along with that big first birthday candle.  I found him on his tummy three days in a row now in his crib.  This is huge.  And just last night I propped him up on the couch and he stood up and held on ALL BY HIMSELF.  This is big.  Like real big.  It only last about 45 seconds before he slumped down.  But he did it.  And just in time for his Birthday.
 I can't wait to celebrate his special life this weekend with our families.  Thank you all so much for your constant love and support.  Your prayers and cheers for Tagg mean more than y'all realize.

46 comments:

  1. Julia, such a brave and honest post. No matter your original thoughts upon finding out your were pregnant, Tagg knows how much you love him and how proud you are of him! Happy Birthday to your sweet little man.

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  2. What a honest post! I think all moms have thoughts at some point that are similar. Luckily, time makes everything okay. I thought that I was a girl mom too until Henry came along. Now, I realize that I am no longer the girl searching for the boy but the mom with the boy that everyone is going to want. Happy Birthday, Tagg!

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  3. Yay, hooray, go Tagg! He is too precious and will be just fine. Thanks for sharing and being so honest. I know it wasn't easy. Happy Birthday sweet boy!

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  4. I felt the same way when I found out I was pregnant with my second child. I was beside myself. When I found out I was having a boy months later, I was really disappointed. I felt like I didn't or wouldn't know how to raise a son. I too, am I girls mom, lol. And I felt I may have nothing to really give him. He's three now, and what a difference. He's a serious 'momma's boy' and I love it! There is nothing in the world like having a little girl. But little boys have a love for their moms that's just out of this world. I had heard about it, but once I experienced it it changed my life. We have a bond that no one else could even try to understand. Boys are the best ; )

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  5. Thank you for always putting things out there like this; it's so nice to have a safe place where you aren't judged. You are a wonderful mother and your family is lucky to have you. Go Tagg GO - happy birthday to a sweet little boy.

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  6. I love the honesty in this post. Happy first birthday, Tagg!

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  7. Up until two weeks before I gave birth to my twins the doctors told us we were having a boy and girl. We had them both named, everything bought and ready for one of each. The last scan with our perinatologist showed a surprise that had been hiding...two boys, no girl. I cried so hard they escorted me out a back door so as not to upset all the other preggos in the waiting room. I'm one of five girls and had no clue how to be a mommy to boys. Well I learned, as you have, that (thankfully) God doesn't give you what you want, He gives you what you need. :)
    Happy Birthday to Tagg!
    Blessings,
    Nancy

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  8. Happy Birthday Tagg!!! That is AWESOME that he stood on his own, go Tagg! I can relate to your feelings about having a boy. I was in a quiet slump for a while when I found out we were having a boy thinking I wouldn't be able to relate to him and would end up being a horrible boy mommy. I even overheard Izzy praying to God that he would be a girl :D

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  9. Julia, what a beautifully written post. Really. I'm so happy that God blessed you with Tagg. He is a charmer for sure. Boys are such little love bugs. And what good news on his developments. Strong boy.

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  10. Julia this post is so real and I am so grateful for your honesty! That sweet boy is so lucky to have you for his mommy, and go Tagg standing up!!!

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  11. Happy birthday to Tagg! Horray for standing!!! And Julia, you are so genuine. Love reading these posts.

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  12. What a beautiful journey you've been on with your son, and this is just the beginning.

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  13. Oh how wonderful! Happy Birthday Tagg!

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  14. I love your honesty! (I have a 4yr old girl and a 2yr old boy & I am pregnant with another boy) I have felt the same way with this 3rd pregnancy. When I found out he was a boy, I cried. I wanted another girl so bad. But I know that when this little boy enters the world I will feel completely different.

    I wouldn't trade Brett (2 yr old) for anything. Our lives are completely changed with him. I thank the Lord for him everyday.

    I am glad to know I am not alone
    :0)

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  15. I thought of you and Tagg this morning when I was scheduling yet another Child Study meeting for my son. So happy to hear Tagg is getting stronger each day. Happy 1st Bday!!!

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  16. What a great thing for so many people to hear! Happy Birthday, Tagg! Speaking of babies, how if your friend whose baby was in the nicu?

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  17. Thank you for sharing this! Your honesty is so refreshing and I'm sure you're not the only mom who has such a range of emotions about having a baby.

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  18. God bless you and Tagg.

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  19. Beautiful heart felt post my friend. If we are being honest I cried when I found out I was having a boy. I was sure it was a girl but now I wouldn't change a thing. In fact I want another boy. I adore having a sweet boy in my life. Happy birthday to Tagg he's such a sweet soul. And big hooray on his accomplishments!!!

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  20. A lovely post Julia, and what a beautiful gift in your children, and your growth. ( Did you put on makeup and do your hair for the birthing photoshoot? You are beautiful!- no one looks that good after having a baby)
    Happy Birthday dear Tagg, and may you have a wonderful healthy and happy year.
    xo Nancy
    Powellbrowerhome.com

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  21. I respect you so much for pressing publish on this. More mama's need to be truly honest about the things they've gone through so that others don't believe they're "broken" if they experience the same things. I'm sure your bravery will prevent someone else from feeling the same shame.

    Blessings to you and your sweet family <3

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  22. I'm honestly crying...like heavily...as I'm reading this post. I can relate so so much to the feeling of so wanting a girl. But I too know the pure joy and love that is little boys- there's really nothing like the bond between a mom and her little boy and now I wouldn't change it for the world. A very Happy Birthday to your sweet Tagg and thanks again for sharing- xoxo

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  23. wow this was an incredibly realistic and moving post. As a college blogger, I read a lot of posts that make many moms look perfect and I've wondered the real feelings Moms have and the stresses they deal with. Thanks for creating a post that gives an honest and real look at motherhood. Tagg is a beautiful baby!

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  24. What a brave and honest thing to post, thank you for always putting yourself out there. I believe that ALL mothers go through similar feelings. I know I was originally disappointed to find out our firstborn was a boy. There was so much shame and guilt associated with that but I've learned over time it's normal to be drawn to one gender or the other and it is okay to feel whatever you feel.

    And way to go, Tagg!!! As a mom whose daughter is developmentally delayed there is something so much more special about a hard fought victory. I love to see my son thrive and grow but when my girl hits a milestone it's so much more emotional because I know how hard she had to fight to get there.

    Keep it up, mama!!

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  25. Happy birthday to your sweet boy! Your honesty is refreshing. I have to admit I have friends with two boys who both prayed and complained about wanting their third to be a girl so they'd finally have what they'd always wanted. And I'll admit it made me sick to hear it. Until I realized I was the pot calling the kettle black. I have two boys and I've always pictured myself with four boys. I have no desire for a girl (and a list of reasons to go with it, and make complete rational sense to me), but it makes me the same as my friends who dream and wish for what THEY want, and not what GOD wants for us. That said, they both got their girl. I think it is completely natural to feel the way you did, and I think as our children grow, we'll expect certain things,whether sports team achievements, academic achievements, certain interests, but their plans will be different and we'll have to adjust. It doesn't mean it will be easy, but we'll make the best of it.

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  26. what a cutie! little boys are so cute and they love their mommas! i too was SHOCKED when my first son was born because i was convinced he was a girl...being one of 3 girls, boys were foreign to me! we are very blessed!! love your honesty!

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  27. Julia, your honest and bravery is so refreshing. Your blog is always an inspiring read. Happy birthday to Tagg! It has been so fun to watch you absolutely beautiful family grow :)

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  28. Hooray Tagg, look at you big man, you're on your way!!!! And to be honest, I cried for 2 weeks straight when I found out I was having a boy....and now I have 2 of them, and they are the sweetest things ever! Boys love their mamas so much and are so attentive, there's nothing like the love of a son!

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  29. What a great post, thanks for being so honest and refreshing.

    Happy Birthday Tagg!

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  30. Yeah...one step at a time. Happy Birthday, Tagg

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  31. Aw - this is such a fabulously honest post! God always has a plan in mind. Your son is beautiful, happy first birthday to him! (And to you!!)
    Isn’t That Charming.

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  32. Happy birthday to sweet Tagg!! I loved your honesty in this post. How lucky Tagg is to have a mother like you and vice versa on how lucky you are to have him!! Love you sweet friend!

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  33. All those nights we spent looking for Mr. Right...if we only knew just how perfect the boys were that God had in store for us. Love you, love Tagg, and seriously can't wait to watch these boys of ours grow up together.

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  34. Happy Birthday to Tagg! Julia, I can tell you are an amazing mom. Sweet Tagg is lucky to have you and what a cutie he is. Hope you all had a good day!

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  35. SO SO Awesome that he stood...wow! Thank you, Jesus!

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  36. Holy shit! I am so glad you posted this! I only want ONE baby and PA-RAY it's a GIRL!!! Cheers to you for your honesty and not keeping it a "secret" like I do..okay, actually I don't, but whatevs.

    And how amazingly awesome do you look with Tagg when he was just born?!?! WOW!!

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  37. Happy Birthday to Tagg!! What a precious little boy who is so lucky to have you as his mama!! Hope you enjoy celebrating him all weekend long!

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  38. There is a special bond that boys share with their mothers, and vice versa. I love all my children (2 boys, 1 girl) equally, but there is just something about those boys...they are my heart. Enjoy!

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  39. WHAT wonderful news on his development!
    He will get there in the end...what a happy and exciting time

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  40. Three cheers for Tagg!! That is huge! What a birthday present. :) And what a good post. I had some of those same worries when I was pregnant about Eve. I hope that if she had been a boy that I would have been as wonderful a mother as you are. You are a good egg mamma, keep doing what you are doing! :)

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  41. love this post! Tagg, the apple of your eye

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  42. OMG, you had me in tears. I can feel your pain in sharing these words with us. The fact that he is growing is a wonderful aspect in many directions. I know I am saying this and you already feel it, but you are blessed. Have a wonderful 2013 with your family!

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  43. Julia, I love this post. I love that you are such an honest down-to-earth girl. Keeps me coming back! Happy Birthday to your precious boy. ( What a fabulous pic of u- I could never post mine I look as if I just crawled out of a dumpster after giving birth)

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  44. What a beautiful, heartfelt post. We all go through ups and downs with our emotions...we all go through shame and guilt...I applaud you for being brave enough to share! Happy Birthday to Tagg!

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  45. I'm sure seeing him use those sweet little legs was such a joy!

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  46. What a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing! xo.

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