First of all, I just want to say thank you so much for all of you who left comments, sent texts, or wrote emails checking on me and Tagg. He is doing so much better! Like two nights in a row of silent sleep better! For those of you who are just now logging on, let me get you caught up. Tagg started coming down with a little virus early last week that led into a full blown asthma attack. It took an afternoon at the pediatrician followed by a three day stint in hospital to finally get his breathing under control. We're still on daily nebulizer treatments at home but only twice a day.
This is where I've had to go back and change the title of this post from Winter Whites to Life Lately. I just couldn't keep on with my regular blogging when there is something so big weighing down my thoughts. I need this post.
So, asthma. I'd be lying if I said this didn't sink my heart. I'd be so completely full of shit right now if I skipped over the heaviness I'm carrying in favor of some lighthearted good positive spin. I've been waiting to do an update on his surgery from this summer, on his food allergies, and his sleeplessness because I wanted to come on here and be the poster mom for positivity. The shining beacon of how not to let if affect your life. Full of recipes and advice. But the thing is, that's not me and that is probably the hardest part. I'm used to rolling with the punches and researching until I'm certain and feeling prepared, if not in control. I'm having a hard time being Pollyanna when I feel unequipped to keep my child alive. Oxygen levels and wheezing and monitoring and assessing the situation are frightening to me. Is it an anaphylaxis allergy crisis or a serious asthma situation? This feels like one more weight on my heart.
There are a million ways that this does and will affect my son more than it will ever touch me and that leaves me feeling even more down. I feel like I'm failing at keeping him safe. I realize in the scheme of things that his medical issues barely touch the surface of tragedy or concern. I am so aware of all the ways that disease can ravage childhood and I am so truly thankful that we've escaped that path. I don't want anyone reading this to think that I place food allergies and asthma above life-threatening long term illness or disability.
But still, every single day I worry for him. Each night I pray that the cough won't come or that I will know what to do at 3am if it does. I worry for his safety and my ability to navigate his world. I worry that the foods we buy are accidentally contaminated (have you seen the cumin disaster? Try eliminating anything with "spice" or "cumin" on a box top in case of trace peanuts). I worry that someone on the playground or the little kid shopping cart before us ate a peanut butter sandwich that could send him into respiratory distress. I worry that every cough will send us to the ER. The constant anxiety which I have suffered for the past six months has been crippling. He coughs, a lot. I hold my breath (ironic, right) and lose my appetite with every one.
This is where the hopeful part of this post comes in. Hello, I'm not a total debbie downer. I've been sitting on this asthma diagnosis for a full week. A sleepless, scary, anxiety filled seven days. But even just sitting down to write thins morning is helping. I can literally feel my thoughts starting to organize in front of me. Anyone who feels a deep underlying need to write knows what I mean here. I'm hearing the quiet in my head and in my house. After just a few days on a new maintenance drug the coughing has subsided. He's down to two breathing treatments a day and I've noticed that the coughing is only right before treatments start. And we've had silent nights. I can't even explain to you what a gift it is to sleep through the night. Of course, I've been up some out of habit. But my sweet sweet boy is getting the much needed rest his body has craved forever. Literally.
I'm so hopeful that this new medicine works wonders on his cough and wheezing and reduces his anxiety as well as mine. Poor baby is so aware now and it terrifies him each time his chest tightens. He was so sweet giving Hmm a treatment with him the other morning. He told me that He was brave but Hmm was not so she would need lots of love. Child Psychology 101 over here.
I know this post wasn't exactly my most well thought out or worded the best but I felt like it was something I needed to talk about before going forward so thank you for letting me be me here. I'm so grateful to have this space here to talk about whatever I need to say.