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Self Doubt

May 11, 2016

Self doubt.  My life-coach is helping me work though my self-doubt and I know some of y'all are interested in what that looks like.  Not just relating to what I'm personally working on but the actual process so that maybe it can benefit you as well. Writing down my thoughts brings so much more clarity for me than just talking.  Many times I blurt things out and my life-coach responds, "what do you mean by that" or "explain that" or "how does that make you feel" and I'm usually not sure right away.  My homework each week is to journal what we discussed.  I need time to be introspective. That happens for me in the quietness of 5am (I know right, I'm now the crazy 5am lady) in front of my computer where I can sit and drink coffee and write and re-write and organize my thoughts.  I've decided to share a bit of what I wrote this morning.



I spend a lot of time collecting proof that I'm not good enough.  

I made up my mind when I was 11 that ultimately I wasn't enough (whatever that means) and I should stop trying to be.  Middle school sucks for so many and I'm no different.  Schoolwork gets hard. Friendship gets hard.  I stopped earning easy A's around the same time that the group that I desperately wanted to be a part of made it clear that they were in and I was out.  "Stop following us around; we don't want you here."  I know shocking talk for a seventh grader. But for 20 for years no amount of encouragement and support from strangers or loved ones could change my mind about that statement.  Neither could the fact that by 8th grade I was in, at least for awhile.  I decided in middle school that other people had the power to decide my worth and I never thought to challenge that.  So each time a friendship fizzles or I don't connect with someone new or a stranger says something mean or I don't get a job I want or I'm not invited to a moms night out or playdate or someone doesn't comment on a post I use it as proof of why the entire world doesn't want me around.  Yes, the entire planet.  Because that makes so much sense, right.


This is why written word is so powerful.  I can think something in my head and accept it for years but one morning of writing it down and I find myself laughing as I read it.  Dang.  I'm a thoughtful and accomplished grown woman and I've been letting the behavior of a few tweens from the 90's affect my world view.  Tweens that I probably didn't even have anything in common with other than the same homeroom teacher.

Yet so many of us do this.  I'm not smart.  I'm not funny.  I'm not pretty.  I'm not athletic.  I'm not enough.  I'm fat.  I'm not good at art or music or language.  I'm not a good writer.  I'm not enough.  We allow ourselves to believe it.  For me it's people don't like me so maybe I shouldn't like me.  But just because I think it doesn't mean it's true.

Overall, I'm actually pretty confident and content but this certain area has the ability to throw my whole attitude under the bus.  Think for a minute, what words or actions hurt you the most and which ones easily roll off?  The ones that hurt are the ones you think are true.   Just because someone thinks it doesn't make it true.



Just because I think it doesn't make it true.  We have power over our thoughts.  Flip it around.  I am worthy and I am good enough.  That is truth.  God says it's true.  I don't have to be the best at everything but I know I am good enough for that path I'm supposed to be on.

Self-Acceptance.  Not every one needs to be your people.  I actually embrace this gift of uniqueness and appreciate it's ability to create a wonderfully diverse world.  I grant that grace to every person I encounter.  Why then do I get hung up in thinking that everyone needs to understand and appreciate me and if they don't then no one can, not even myself?  That's ridiculous.  It's time to start being kinder to myself.

One of my favorite sayings of all time comes from our sorority rush (recruitment was the PC term we had to use); "her star shines brighter elsewhere."  It means that the girl you took through the house just isn't a good fit and you don't want to invite her back for the next round.  Many times my star shines brighter elsewhere.  And that's okay.  That doesn't mean my light is broken or doesn't work.  It doesn't mean I have no light at all.  Maybe it's too bright for this room or not bright enough.  Or shining the wrong color or too many colors or not enough color.  Or maybe that room just isn't looking for any more stars right now.  Find where my light shines best.  Find where my kind of star is needed to light up a room.  Those are my people.  Maybe my people is one person.  Maybe that one person is me.  Start there.

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21 comments:

  1. This has to be my favorite of anything you've written. SO relatable. I feel that way all the time. I've always thought you were fabulous!! xoxo

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    1. Glad you're start didn't shine brighter elsewhere :)

      K to the A to the P-P-A
      A to the L to the P-H-A
      T to the H to the E-T-A
      Go Theta!

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  2. Thank you so much for this post. I never comment but, I'm am sitting here crying because I can relate to everything you have written. It is amazing how we hold onto hurtful words from so many years ago. I was told by teachers and classmates that I was dumb, fat and would never amount to anything. Although I don't really think about those comments anymore, I know that they have negatively affected how I view myself and how I believe others view me. Thanks for being so candid, honest and relatable.

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    1. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. It's so easy to let this happen but thankfully once we acknowledge it we can change it :)

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  3. YES to the statement that not everyone needs to be your people! I've found that I'm so much happier when I accept that I'm not for everyone (and not everyone is for me) and that's fine. It's not a judgment call or mean or anything negative, it's just being an adult and knowing what's right for yourself. Amy Poehler said something along the lines of "Good for her, not for me." Also, love that you brought it back to rush. Oh, those were the days.

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    1. there's a kite called a theta kite made of golden light and shadows (can I get a slow clap?!) Love you Arielle, you are totally my people :)

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  4. Thank you for this very honest post. Self-doubt exists in all of us, and reading your eloquent words helps me realize that my own self-doubt is just a mind-set. :) I love your blog and your style!

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  5. I'm a people pleaser and it's very hard for me to accept that not everyone is going to like me. It's taken me a long time to learn this and I still struggle. Thanks for opening up - I can definitely relate!

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  6. Some people think sororities are ridiculous, but oh the things they teach us. So much of what I learned in those four years has applied to my life now. (Clearly those aren't our people and we may not be theres.)

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  7. This is a wonderful post that I so needed to read this morning and will be sharing with others. Thank you, thank you, thank you~

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  8. Lovely words. And good for you to take the time and effort to get happy. A yoga teacher said recently that if you give yourself gratitude, compassion and forgiveness you will change your life. I swear it is true.

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  9. I love this post! I've read your blog for several years and think you are fabulous. Your posts are inspiring and I always appreciate your honesty. I love it that you say 'not every one needs to be your people'. Such a good thing to remember!





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  10. Such an inspiring post! I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I too, have gotten caught up in a negative comment someone has said and for some reason, I let it plan over in my head. When you think about it logically, it is very silly! Great post and so empowering!
    Cheers!
    Shelley

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  11. THANK YOU!!!!! I will read this so many more times. Thank you for writing down what so many of us think on a daily basis. I also have flashbacks to middle school about boys telling me my face wasn't pretty and girls being mean to me and I'm 33 years old...thank you.

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  12. Beautifully written. You definitely have a gift for writing! I admire your courage in sharing your personal struggles because so many women I know put up a front and pretend everything is perfect all the time. It's when we're real and honest and raw that true connections happen. I especially love those last three sentences which I'm going to share with my 14 year old daughter :)

    Taffeta & Tulips

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  13. Thank you for this post :)

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  14. Love, love, love. thank you for sharing. so much of this connects with me and where I find myself as well. If only I had the discipline to write it all out like you are doing! xo

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  15. Thank you for writing this. The past few months the moms I have been friends with for years and who were my reliable go-to source for frequent play dates and girls nights have for no apparent reason been pulling away and are being exclusive. This has been extremely hard for me, as I am such a loyal person and have valued that reliability. It's been a shock to my system and has really gotten me depressed. As I was dwelling on this tonight, I thought to look at your blog and this post is what I see. It was right here when I needed to see it. I am telling you, it was heaven sent. I was never bullied or shunned as a kid but I was always just on the edge of the clique of the popular kids...never completely in...included for this and that occasionally but not a full fledged member. I think that affected me my whole life...I know it did The past few years I have been part of this group of moms that are really into who's who and social climbing. I'm constantly comparing myself to them, even though I've been a big part of their lives. Now, it's all being taken away as they have been distant. Those old insecure feelings from growing up never have left. I truly have an amazing fortunate life with two beautiful boys. I am so blessed but somehow can't seem to get past their judgements of me, letting it affect my self esteem, and letting it consume my thoughts. I have been yearning for those friendships that will last and for those who are as loyal as me. I have plenty of friends but have been missing those deep connections. I do have those connections, actually, but not with those who are readily available like I am as a stay at home mom. I pray one day I will have the confidence that if "my people" means just myself, then I will be ok with that. Your post is such an inspiration and truly reminds me of what I need to practice...self love. And God will place in my life those people who will love my light.

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  16. Love this post! I too have found journaling to be a humongous help in combating anxiety/depression issues. I also want to say thank you for being real about life. I have been a huge lover and follower of blogs since my early 20s, and in the past year or so I've started to get really sick of them. Most seem totally phony, staged, or exist entirely to make money off of sponsored posts. I've pared down my reading list dramatically, as I don't think these phony styled lives are good for people. Thanks for NOT going in that direction and being a breath of fresh air. Wishing you all the best!

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