JuliaRyan.com. Powered by Blogger.

Social Media

I Hit A Snag

June 9, 2016

One of the things I've found most fascinating about the past six months is how recognizable my "symptoms" of anxiety have become now that I'm not constantly experiencing them.  You know like when the sun sets in the evening and it's getting dark outside but your eyes adjust so you can still see just fine but if you're in a well lit room and someone suddenly cuts off the light the room goes black? The lack of light is so much more noticeable and easy to define.  On Saturday morning my light went out and I'm struggling a little bit to turn it back on.


We got Tagg's yearly allergy testing results in on Saturday.

Milk, egg, and peanut are all extremely elevated.  Please continue to follow strict avoidance and have epinephrine available at all times.

Yup, the blood test didn't offer us any hope that he's outgrowing his food allergies.  They even broke down the peanut protein into several different tests that can better gauge potential anaphylaxis and those weren't good news either.  So another year of living on the edge of my seat. Another year of explaining to an even older child why he can't eat the food at the birthday party and why I'm walking around the table with an oversized smile knocking mom's out of the way to personally wipe their child's hands down before they go back into the bouncy house ball pit with my son.  Or why we skip the Church Ice Cream Social all-together and I die a little inside each time I have to navigate the food section of Costco with him in tow.  Why I try to find softer or just flat out more interesting versions of "I'm sorry they don't have your kind" here.

But that's nothing new.  It's all just more of the same.  What I think is super fascinating is the way I'm dealing with it.  If you read here regularly you know that for months now I've been an early riser. Like riiiiiiiiiiil early.  Every day at 4:45ish my body wakes up and I'm excited.  I'm eager to sneak down stairs and sip my coffee and write.  I play on Pinterest.  I catch up on blogs I've missed.  I write blog posts for the day.  I write blogs posts that I'm not sure I'm ready to share with the world yet.  I work on my real estate data base and website.  I plan my day.  I play in photoshop.  I empty the dishwasher.  I read scary mommy articles on facebook.  I'm happy and eager to start my day.  I'm awake and productive all day before falling into bed excited about doing it all again tomorrow. Now y'all, sometimes productive just means taking the kids to the pool and throwing some chicken in the crock pot before we leave, I'm not trying to be Beyonce´.

The past few days since I got those results?  On the surface I'm okay with it.  It's what I was expecting.  Of all the diagnoses out there this one is easy.  There are no surprises, we've been managing this for years.  But the reality is that it is affecting me.  I'm not sleeping well.  I'm wide awake at 2 am and then sleeping late.  I'm feeling unproductive and agitated.  I have zero appetite.  I'm starting my day tired and already wishing it were bedtime.  The light went out.

I know I'm a complete weirdo because I think this whole thing is incredible.  Absolutely fascinating.  My mind literally has a mind of it's own.  The rational part of me knows that nothing has changed and this is manageable.  But the #girlboss part of my brain dictates that shit sucks right now and we're closed until further notice.  I'm going to embrace that and let myself feel it.  I'm going to give myself permission to be down right now.  Feel it fully then flush it.  That is so much healthier for me in the long run than ignoring my hurt and just carrying on as normal.

I want my light back on.  This time I'm not going to learn how to fumble around in the dark.  I'm just going to give myself a chance to adjust to the dark and then march straight back over to the light switch.

Pin ThisShare on Tumblr

15 comments:

  1. Oh, how I feel your pain. Our 11 year old has *almost* outgrown (sublingual allergy drops 3x per day since he was 2) his egg and soy allergy, but the peanut allergy remains strong. We had the peanut component testing as well....with the same "not good" results. I could write a book here on the struggles, but you know them well. I try to explain to other moms that having anything with peanuts around my child is like having a loaded gun around him. With peanut allergies on the rise, WHY ON EARTH are their MORE peanut flavored products on the market for kids now?? Thank you for sharing your struggles. They are so real!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I struggle with anxiety and have my whole life. It got really bad when I was 27 and my light went completely out. I wasn't eating or sleeping and basically couldn't function, so I turned to medicine and then therapy. Hang in there and just know that there are people who know exactly how you feel and it will get better. I like how open you are being on your blog now.

    -Lisa Fleischman

    ReplyDelete
  3. The struggle is real. I feel the same way even though my kids don't even have allergies. I am sure they are going to drown in the pool every time they swim under the water, get hit by a car each time we cross the street, choke on their food each time they crunch ice, eat a carrot, or chew a grape. They don't know (yet) how much I am suffering, although I know they feel it on occasion, and I am drowning in constant hyper alert mode and it is taking the joy out of my life. My lovely boys are now 8 and 10, which is starting to just make me feel crazy for worrying so constantly. I empathized so much with your recent post of worry while even watching a sleeping child as I was doing just that as I read that post. I've never thought it peaceful to see them sleep, sure they wouldn't wake up (my youngest had febrile seizures at 1 and 3). So thank you for your posts. I am sorry that you suffer as you do, but know that your honest and thoughtful posts really are helping others, like me, not feel alone. xo

    ReplyDelete
  4. My son is 15 and is allergic to peanuts/all nuts. It hasn't ever been a big deal for him to miss certain treats or anything. He just has to be careful and always has an epipen with him. Thankfully, We've never had to use it. It's always on my mind when he goes somewhere though. Maybe that will never change? Best thing is to read labels, rather than just ask someone if it has nuts. We have found things can be made with peanut oil, etc. and people think if it doesn't "have nuts" that it is safe. We avoid chinese places with him and even chili can be a problem at different places. He doesn't eat muffins or breads unless we make them. Cookies always make me nervous too. All of that to say, I totally get it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for sharing! It's funny, the peanuts are the easiest to avoid it's the dairy that's hardest for me. And eggs pretty much rule out any breakfast buffets. I've had to use the epipen before so I think that panic is what I can't seem to fully shake. Although maybe that's good because it keeps me on my toes! Thanks again for sharing, it always helps to know someone else understands!

      Delete
  5. I get it Julia, its not fair. I keep asking "why my kid?" I blame myself, like maybe it was something I did when I was pregnant. Did I eat too much peanut or not enough? Did I wait to long to expose him to peanuts? At 18 months its easy for me to monitor his food, but as he gets older it will get harder, and I imagine my anxiety will increase. Do you think your anxiety has gotten worse as he has gotten older? Last Sunday I had to pick up Jack off the floor, he had stopped breathing and began turning red, and then purple. I will NEVER forget the look on my sons face, and haven't slept well since then. He had gotten upset I took play-doh away from him and started having a tantrum that resulted in breath holding. As he neared unconsciousness he took a breath in and was ok after that. I have never been so scared in my entire life. Hugs to you. I get it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Girl, have we talked about the breath holding syndrome?!! Tagg has finally outgrown it. Thank god. What a nightmare trying to tell a babysitter. Xo

      Delete
  6. I completely understand. My son is allergic to peanuts and a few other nuts. My anxiety issues started the day we found out about his allergies. I'm always anxious about his health or something giving him a reaction when we go to restaurants or are around people who made something. I'm always second guessing people and trying to stress HOW allergic he is. It's scary, and I completely understand your fears, it's no fun. Hang in there. Kids and Cabernet

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm so sorry you didn't receive better news. I honestly can't imagine how difficult this must be for you and the worry you have for Tagg. I think you just have to remember that it's okay to not be okay. You are allowed to not be okay and there's nothing wrong with it. You'll get over this and keep on being you and being wonderful at it, but it doesn't have to be today or tomorrow. Sending love and prayers your way!

    ReplyDelete
  8. As I have shared before with you - my oldest has severe peanut/tree nut allergies and struggled with milk and egg when she was younger…..it isn't easy and really no one understands the severity no matter how much you explain it. They just think you are the crazy-ass mom. So hang in there. I am sending my girl off to college in ONE short year so we go into a whole new realm of 'handling' the whole allergy thing. Teenagers are TERRIBLE at making sure they have a Epi-pen with them - and yes, I admit I bought her a special purse for prom last month JUST to carry her epi-pen in to the dinner!!!! But a momma's gotta do what a momma's gotta do - plus it was SUPER cute! xo~Jill

    ReplyDelete
  9. Good for you to understand that this is what you need to do. Trying to just live through this period of time and then get on with it.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I know how you feel. My kid is allergic to peanuts, tree nuts, avocados, seafood, and food dye. We ended up in the ER last Halloween (newly developed seafood allergy), and for months afterwards I had crazy vivid anxiety dreams of plunging off bridges and fiery car crashes. My child keeps adding new allergies instead of outgrowing them. I am totally the crazy lady who makes other people's kids wash their hands.

    I wrote two blog posts on our last allergic episode, they might make you feel a little less alone.

    http://lisamoves.blogspot.com/2015/11/food-obsession.html
    http://lisamoves.blogspot.com/2015/12/sufficient-unto-day.html

    hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. My sweet daughter has dairy/egg/peanut allergy as well. She is now 17 (no we did not outgrow! although dairy is not as strong as it once was)...It is very difficult but I swear it does get easier! She had seizures when she was younger from what she was eating... she still suffers horrible eczema and stomach issues as a result of food but we are going to new specialists. It is so hard when we cannot fix something for our little ones (even as they aren't so little anymore!) I hope it gets easier for you! Best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Julia - My son just turned 16 this week and was diagnosed with the same exact allergies when he was 9 months old. He now has completely outgrown all 3. Keep in mind, if he even touched someone who touched pizza or sat in a restaurant high chair that looked clean but was not completely clean, he would breakout in terrible hives (like they were almost touching). We did the EpiPen thing; never once had to use it though. So his was severe. Because he always had allergies, he never felt left out or like he was missing anything. Somehow he outgrew peanut on his own. However the other two he outgrew with the concept of in-product exposure about 3 years ago. The idea is that you can start giving your child exposures to allergens (like dairy and egg) as long as it is cooked into the food (the heat is denaturing the protein which is a safe way for your body to start to be re-introduced to the allergen with the idea that when your body takes in the pure allergen it's like "hey I know this" and does not respond with an allergic reaction) . For example he could have cake, but the icing was off limits because it was not cooked. We did the two allergies in stages; each having a specific recipe that I would make at home and then bring to the allergist office. Like they do for other food challenges, they broke off some of the muffin to start with and rubbed in on the inside of his mouth and then wait 15 minutes for a reaction. If he was fine they started with not even a full bite of the muffin and then wait the 15 minutes. and increase the amount he was eating working up to a half the muffin at one time. When he handled that just fine, than we went home and continued to expose him to dairy and then egg in this fashion (egg had it's own in-product challenge too). After eating the allergen in-products for about a year he went back and did a full dairy challenge and passed with flying colors (based on testing he had fully outgrown the egg so we did not go back for a full challenge with that). This was something that Children's Hospital of Wisconsin was experimenting with for a quite awhile. As a matter fact, at the time my son was doing this type of testing, the allergist had stated that the standard way food allergies will be treated in the future will be completely different; instead of avoidance it would be limited in-office exposures. The most interesting part? When my son's food world opened up he was still very cautious about eating dairy and egg. In fact, often he did not like the taste and the texture. For example, he thought ice cream was gross. Just a couple of months ago he got up the nerve to try alfredo sauce and he liked it. By the way, my son is a very healthy athlete who is going for his first junior hockey try out this weekend. You should have much hope for your son.

    I completely understand about the anxiety! My younger son has autism and I am crippled from the worry and fear at times. I go from living in a fight or flight mode with hyper-alertness to being completely shut down, exhausted and withdrawn from it. I think there are a lot of us out there. I too love Brene Brown. Sorry this was long. Just that I totally get where you are now.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for joining the conversation!

 

Julia Ryan© Theme by Blog Milk