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A New Season

October 28, 2016

Friday, Oct. 28th.

I was supposed to be leaving for Charleston in a few hours to enjoy some alone time with my husband and some much needed girl time with my favorites from college.  Instead I have a husband who has to work and a sick child.  I'm bummed, obviously.  Sometimes it's hard to focus my feelings.  My head gets so full of the everyday that I forget to take a quiet minute to sort through my own thoughts.  This morning I need to do that.


Either Tagg or Matthew has been sick literally every single time we've scheduled a weekend together without the kids for the past year.  It happened occasionally before that but now it's almost getting comical because it's literally EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.  Only it's not funny.  I miss my husband.

When they were babies I felt like we learned to dance around them.  Conversations started and stopped and restarted over diaper changes and stroller walks and shared eye rolls over dragged out bedtime routines.  Dinners together on the couch after we finally broke free of our parenthood for a few hours.  We were surrounded by our children almost constantly but still found ways to connect amidst the chaos.

In many ways the long crazy days are growing shorter as our children grow taller.  But rather than feel like we're squished into one big family sandwich I feel like we're both standing on opposite sides of the kitchen watching a whirlwind swirl around in between us promising to hang out tomorrow. Arms stretched out toward each other trying to find a way to cross the storm.


I don't mean for that analogy to sound so depressing.  But in a way it feels depressing.  There is no big elephant in the room or big issue we're struggling to overcome, we're just in this new phase of children not babies and it's hard to navigate.  I thought it was hard to hold an adult conversation with a baby crying (and it was, it really and truly was) but like all couples we had a sort of side-step we created; talk (request for more water) talk (she won't play with me) talk (I need to GO POOP!!!!  NOW!!!!) talk (that's MINE no its MINE no its MINE....MOOOOMMMY).

I'm finding it even harder when the betimes are getting later and the couch time is getting shorter. Because we're tired.  Those interruptions come in the form of sleepover requests from a kindergartner who misses her mommy.  She really hasn't seen me all day, how do I turn down that request?  My husband hasn't either but he's the adult so he gets told to wait.  And it's hard to unload and decompress from your work day when you're constantly interrupted by questions from two small people curiously listening in to ask if that means Daddy is quitting his job or why doesn't his boss like that? Who is Jim? Why did he say that?  Why is that bullshit?  Om, Mommy what is bullshit?  Why does Mommy get to go?  I want to go?  And on and on and on.  It's not that I don't love the smart and inquisitive children I'm raising. And it's not that I don't want to include them in adult conversation. Because I do.  I really really really do. I just miss my husband.


And the crazy thing is, on a scale of 1-10, I'd say our relationship is hovering close to 10 status, *for parents, anyway.  We're connected and committed and respectful and happy and in love.  And yet it's still freaking hard.  And I just think it's important to share that.  Not every day is a love your spouse challenge and that's okay.  Actually it is.  Every day is absolutely a love your spouse challenge.  Just not the way it appears on Facebook.  Every day isn't about celebrating that AH-mazing and fantastic spouse of yours.  Wait, you mean your husband doesn't surprise you with spa weekend getaways and massages and flowers on the regular?  Dang, I thought I was the only one.  Mine takes the trash cans out to the curb every single Monday night.  Even when it's raining.  That may not be instagram worthy, but it impresses me every week.

So am I worried (okay, and slightly annoyed and stressed) that my kid is sick again?  Yes, ma'am.  Am I really sad and disappointed I don't get a guaranteed belly-laugh night out with my best girls?  Of course.  Do I miss my husband?  The one who lives with me?  Yup.


But I think the real bottom line is that just when I thought I had figured out how to balance being a good wife and a good mother the arena changed and I'm having to work at it again. 

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8 comments:

  1. Well said. I think you just spoke to the hearts of so many of us.....Wishing you well children and a chance to connect with your husband.

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  2. OMG, you just hit the nail on the head. I literally just hung up the phone 30 seconds before reading this..and I I had a similar conversation with a friend about this. My husband walked out the door for work as I was talking to her and the way she heard me say "Bye" brought up this exact conversation. It is freaking hard. My kids and 8 and 11 and it gets harder and harder, esp. as the school day, homework (!!) sports, etc. all intensify. We practically race them to bed....and are even now watching different Netflix shows with headphones in bed now. Nothing caused a fight....we are just across the kitchen with that huge swirling whirlwind between us. It is depressing when you have time to stop and think about it. You nailed it.

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  3. My kids are a bit older, 13 and 10. It will get easier, and it will change - routines will always change. What I've found most important is to keep the husband/wife conversation going. Don't separate into different rooms during that precious 30 minutes you have alone together. We have always taken our kids out with us to grown up restaurants and while it's not the most romantic date, at least we're together and doing adult activities! I've actually come to cherish and truly remember the nights we got dressed up, all went out as a family for that steak dinner. Yes there was probably some kid silliness but it's all about living in the moment and making LOVING memories together. Hope this helps :)

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  4. Thank you for posting! As a working mom with an amazing husband who is also working a demanding job and going to school at night (because after getting a PhD a law degree was needed too!! How insane is THAT?)....I can so relate. So many posts depict perfection, yours is so real. And I am so grateful to you for sharing! My husband and I are madly in love, but see each other next to never despite sleeping in the same bed. I sometimes ache for my friends, my husband, a night (or 2!) off from being the responsible one. Dang it is hard! And we should be allowed to share that when we feel it. So vent, share and rest assured you are not alone in your feelings and that all the way up in Boston there is someone who is likely feeling the same thing. Hope you can put some bubbles on ice for this weekend....it won't make up for the lost weekend, but it is a little treat that you richly deserve.

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    Replies
    1. Loved your reply, Isla.....you've got someone nodding their head at your every word down here in the mountains of NC!

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  5. Was just thinking this on a plane ride home yesterday. I wanted to call my husband and ask "Is this a phase? Can we promise to get through this and come back together?" I remember my parents practically dating one another when we all went to college and they had their life back. So I have faith that we will make the moments when we can and know at some point our child will be gone and we will miss the craziness.

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  6. I needed to read this post tonight. Thank you for the honesty and to know that there are many of us going through this exact same thing. We have a really hard time having any kind of convo without our oldest (8) quizzing us on aspects of it while we also juggle the constant demanding needs of our other two. Glad I'm not the only one with this issue!

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  7. This is awesome! I actually giggled to myself reading it, because it is so true. You're not alone girl!

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