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February 28, 2017

  Y'all.  I need to write about my February.  I need to write about watching my baby boy grasping for air twice in two weeks and placing him in the literal hands of medical staff and God.  Twice.  I need to talk about how that affects me and my husband differently and at different times.  And how it affects our daughter who's just six and said baby boy who's just turned five and knows what's going on.  I need to fill you in on my PTSD and how my anxiety feels more like a strong under-toe pulling me down and less like waves I can ride out.

 I need to share our experience with asthma and status asthmaticus.  I need to write about our story with life-threatening food allergies and how it doesn't always end with a shot of epinephrine and fours hours in the ER but it also doesn't always end in death.  I need to tell you about his guardian angel Oakley Debbs who was there with us in the parking lot of Wegman's as I grabbed the epi-pen and again in a hospital room at St. Mary's when my son's body was failing and I told the nursing staff that one epi-pen may not have been enough and his body could still shut down completely and they listened and agreed and quickly transferred him down to ICU.


 I want to tell you about my friends who prayed for us.  They prayed so hard.  And I want to tell you about the ones who showed up with coffee and little gifts and treats for our son and with wine and an amazing dinner for me and my husband.  I can't even begin to explain how good non-hospital coffee tastes.  It taught me how important it is to be the person who just shows up.


And I want to talk about shoes and clothes and spring break plans and recipes I've pinned that I'll probably never make. because I've realized that's my measure of me.  It's not deep and it's not life-changing and there are a million better uses of my time and brain power but it's how I know that I'm getting myself back.  Man, I want myself back.  I want to go online today and waste an hour looking at swimsuits and dresses on Nordstrom and coffee tables on Wayfair and art prints on Minted.  I love that shit.  I want so badly to care about that again.  

Our boy is being seen at the Asthma, Allergy, and Immunology Clinic at Boston Children's Hospital in a few weeks.  It's terrifying to know that we might open up pandora's box but it also scares me to know that they'll probably have no more answers than our doctors here in Richmond have for us.  I know in a few days I'll care more about planning cute outfits to pack for our upcoming trip to Boston and less about why we need to fly there in the first place.  I'll focus on my travel day outfit and less on the actual first flight I'll take alone with my allergy kid.  I'll download movies to the ipad and action plans for my wallet.  Then I'll order us both a new outfit so we'll be the best dressed pair on the flight.  That's how I cope :)

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I also want to make sure I let you know about the amazing deal at Beautycounter that ends today.  

Score a FREE Rejuvenating Eye Cream + FREE Lip Conditioner with your purchase of $150.  And if you become a Band of Beauty Member you can also receive a FREE Soothing Face Oil and FREE SHIPPING + $22.50 in store credit for your next purchase. 

That's just $179 (but a $353.45 value)

beautycounter.com/juliaryan

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9 comments:

  1. I cannot tell you how much I relate to what you are saying. I will say a prayer for you and your sweet son whom I don't know because I am a mother too. I feel for you and admire you for sharing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with focusing on the small, fun things from time to time. It's called survival. Hang in there. I think everything is going to turn out great!

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  2. One hour at a time girl. And hopefully more hours filled with sunshine, friends, cold
    Glasss of white wine, laughing babies, packages of your new outfits outside your cute pink door, and a husband to hold your hand. Sending you calm and uplifting prayers as you navigate.

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  3. I'm sorry that you have to be going through all of this. I live right outside of Boston, if you need any recommendations of things to do aside from visiting Children's (though you could not come to a better hospital!)

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  4. Thinking of you and your family. I've been reading your blog for years and am grateful for the experiences you share with us, so strange as it sounds, please don't hesitate to email me if you need anything while in Boston. I moved up here last year and live downtown - happy to recommend restaurants, etc. You're in good hands at Boston Children's! -wcpezz@gmail.com

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  5. Prayers for you and your family from a native Bostonian. BCH is the best. The doctors, nurses, staff - all of them are amazing. I hope they have some more answers for you there. I live just outside of Boston (as do some other readers I see here too!) and if you need anything while here in MA please reach out - Moms need to stick together and support each other. Please do not be afraid to ask for help!

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  6. I've been waiting for this post. I can not imagine, yet I am crippled by the what-if fears myself constantly. I harbor my own debilitating anxiety induced by being a mother and all I can say is that I admire the heck out of you. I would not be able to handle it, esp with such grace and beauty. You were chosen as one that can handle it and you are doing so so amazingly. Have you looked at Johns Hopkins? They seem to be leading the way with the food allergy stuff. Might be worth a quick jaunt to Baltimore. Good luck and lots of love. Thank you for sharing. The think if what can go right quote is going to inspire me for a long time. xo

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  7. Such eloquent words from other readers! I just want to say how heavy my heart was seeing your hospital photos and reading your post about your sweet son and his struggles. Motherhood is so difficult at times, but I sense that your love, strength, and determination will help pull you through. Try to remember that you and your son are not alone in confronting childhood medical situations...and that good things can happen. And that many, many people are praying for you. Keep the faith and God bless you!

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  8. As an allergy mom, I can relate to that terrible fear and anxiety. I hope you're able to get some answers and some peace of mind. Keep up the great work of caring for and advocating for your son. He is lucky to have you for a momma!

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